It’s Coming Home!
The duo of Englishmen known as Henhouse Slaughter are not in a coffeehouse but in a bar, with the bigger of the two, Eddie Penbrook, dressed in the jersey of the English national Soccer team with his face painted with a red cross on white background. The fact that the bar is full of rowdy fans suggests that it has been recorded a few days earlier.
Eddie: ITS COMING HOME! FOOTBALLS COMING HOME!
Penbrook is singing with the other patrons in the bar, and those who keep up with soccer might have figured out that what we are witnessing is the aftermath of the Soccer European championship Semi finals.
Eddie: C’MON RUPERT, DON’T BE A DOWNER, THIS IS ONCE IN A GENERATION STUFF!
It’s plainly obvious that Penbrook is slightly intoxicated, while his partner, the always eccentric Rupert E. Fox, who is seated in the same booth, just with his back turned to the camera, seems less than enthusiastic about the ballyhoo.
Rupert mumbles something incoherent an Penbrook leans in closer.
Eddie: What was that mate?
The lanky lad in his aviator shades turns around and bellows out.
Rupert: FUCK FOOTIE! FUCK THOSE OVERPAID, PRIMADONNA PONCES WHO JUST BRING THE DRUNKEN BASTARDS HOPES UP AGAIN AND AGAIN ONLY TO FAIL MISERABLY WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE!
That sent a clear shock on Penbrook’s face and oddly enough the whole bar seemed to shut down, as more and more faces turn to look at the two. Penbrook starts the most rambunctious belly shaking laugh and slaps his friend on the shoulder so hard he nearly knocks the Eaton alumni off his chair
Edddie: AHAHAHAHA! Good one mate! Almost had me going there for a minute, hehehe..
When everyone turns back to their drinks, Penbrook yanks Rupert so close that only the two of them could hear. Of course Eddie, being a bit inebriated, he was loud enough for the camera to pick it up.
Eddie: Never say shit like that out in public again. It’s bad enough we have to fight for a living against a pair of ungrateful tossers but I’m not taking on a whole pub on just for shits and giggles.
He looks at Fox but unable to see his friend’s reactions, Penbrook barks at him.
Eddie: Take those bloody glasses off, for fuck’s sake. We are indoors!
For once..Rupert E. Fox does as he’s told and pockets his shades, still looking less than pleased with the situation.
Eddie: I’ll get you another pop..sure you wouldn’t have something else, some cider at least, you know they have barely alcohol in it over here. It’s like bloody juice..
Rupert: Coke.
Eddie: Right you are.
As Penbrook makes his way through the crowd, Fox glares at the camera.
Rupert: The fuck you lookin’ at? You bunch of sad wankers. I bet this is precisely what you wanted. Lord X and Mr. X are now the bloody tag team champions. A pair of undeserving, untrustworthy, bog goblins and knob monkeys if I’ve ever seen any and suddenly, they think they have the right to deny US a bloody, honest to god shot at their championship. Who the bloody hell died and made you two the queens and rulers of the kingdom?! Huh? You should feel lucky that you don’t end up with a fork to your gullet at catering, you silly sods, lemme tell ya~
Before he gets further, a pint of coke gets banged on the table.
Eddie: There, happy now?
Fox looks at his friend, then the coke and smirks.
Rupert: I may not be disgruntled but I am far away from gruntled.
Penbrook plants himself on a chair and shakes his head.
Eddie: You and your jokes, honestly mate. Sometimes, I feel like you live just to confuse everyone else.
Fox toys with a straw and starts slurping the drink, LOUD.
Eddie: Precisely what I mean.
He can’t help but smile just a bit, even an annoying Rupert is better than the moody grumpy one. He takes a long swig of his own beer and glances at the camera.
Eddie: Ya know ya tossers, Rupert does have a point there. The two ponces had the audacity to claim they beat us and thus we ain’t worth a titleshot. Well know what, gobshites? That ain’t gonna fly. You can join whatever circlejerk group you want, but that won’t change reality. You’ve never beat us legit. And I know already that the danes will cry their eyes out for that penalty on the game, which is kinda fitting since well, fuck you you tossers. You two prissy, prancin’, pretty boys ain’t got the bollocks to put those straps on the line against us. You hang onto the one thing that keeps ya from having to face the music and just like I know the danes will… you’ll keep doin that until the end of time. I’m feelin particularly fighty, and with that 10 man clusterfuck comin at Salvation… well tossers, for me, there are only 2 targets. The scarf-wearing weasel catcher and the shaved gorilla pitcher. Both me ‘n young master Rupert are gettin sick and tired of bein’ yanked around. And just like the boys in white-and-red… we ain’t gonna be given up till we bring the gold home. Ya ken?
Penbrook watches as Fox finished his coke in record time, smirking at the camera as he pockets the union jack covered straw.
Rupert: I mean, we could play nice with ya, bring some monkey chow for Magilla the Manservant gorilla, none of those fair trade bollocks bananas either but proper grade-a chiquitas. I’m sure Lord X could help him with the peeling since well, it might be a tad much to expect the gorilla to manage to hold and peel a banana at the same time. I am impressed he can even walk and breathe at the same time on his own, let alone wrestle. Lord X talks so much shit and never shuts up that he probably breathes through his arsehole anyway and yet, despite all we’ve been through with you pair of tits..I was stupid enough to believe when Edward here said that winning the championships might change ya, bring some sense into those noggins. That’s always been his problem. Edward, I mean, he is a bit of a gentle giant and believes in the good, even the most low-down guttershites until, of course, they give him a reason not to. Now this is where it gets interesting, because once he flips that switch, there isn’t turning back - not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. The bloody switch is stuck there and whoever he changed his opinion on? You are shit outta luck. That’s where you two tosspots are at right now. So yeah we have this 10 person match coming, with all sorts of names we could talk an hour or two about, great people, great competitors..and there’s the pair of you pissers pretending to be champions, so I’d like to hereby extend my deepest, sincerest condolences for the arsekicking you two will be getting.
Eddie: Me too, from the heart of my bottom.
Rupert: I think the expression they are looking for is from the bottom of..
Eddie: I know what I bloody said and I meant it!
Fox chuckles
Rupert: Blimey, I think the beer’s gone to his head. This may just turn out to be a fun night after all.
Penbrook blinks, thinks for a second and then lets out a hearthy laughter.
Eddie: Well where else is it supposed to go, ya twat? It goes to the belly, then to the head and from there it affects all possible ailments. Cheers!
He downs the rest of his pint in one go.
Eddie: But I’ll promise all of you wankers this, 2X is gonna get their due. And it’s not gonna be fun for you. But it IS gonna be enjoyable for me.
He stands up, sways a bit and starts singing again.
Eddie: ITS COMING HOME! FOOTBALLS COMING HOME! WRESTLINGS COMING HOME!
And with that the view fades to black.
Helping Hand
Standing by backstage with Toby Keller, already in his green and gold themed wrestling pants with a “Ruthless Presents: The New Real Deal” t-shirt on, is Chance Field. Flanked beside him, as always, is Ares Bones. On the other side of the curtain the fans chant at Chance.
“BABY CARROT”
Chance shakes his head in disgust.
Chance Field: Listen to these sheep! They know nothing about my carrot!
Toby Keller: You ever thought maybe they’re talking about your hair color not your manhood?
Chance Field: I’m a Field, a REAL Field, not a half blood like Noah; and just look at me. Of course they're talking about my manhood. It’s all anyone, gay or straight can think about. So get your own mind out of the gutter, Keller, and ask me a few good questions.
Toby Keller: A lot of people think you sabotaged Hungry Jack at Battle by the Beach. Any thoughts on that?
Chance Field: People are idiots. Next question.
Toby Keller: But you really didn’t answer this one.
Chance Field: Fine, how’s this for an answer? Fat Ass Jack couldn’t do it. He knows it, his fans know it, you even know it, Keller. But there’s no accountability. Rather than to realize that the Blob isn’t really some kind of hero to a world littered with obesity, they want to blame me, the beautiful and the fit. It’s rather sad. And as hilarious as I find it that not only could he not lose weight, but the moron actually GAINED weight, I have some sympathy for him.
Toby Keller: You don’t seem to be sympathetic.
Chance Field: I gave him one more month didn’t I? A lesser man would have just walked away and moved on. After all, I’m the one suffering here, not Jack. I’m the biggest star in this company and I’m risking my spot at FightFest, one of only four Pay-Per-Views a year, to give this loser a chance. It’s my ass on the line, not his. That’s why I brought help. Keller, if I give you a few gifts for Jack, can you get them to him?
Toby Keller: I…
Chance Field: It wasn’t a question. I was just trying to be nice. You’ll do it. Anyway, I actually bought him a few books that might aid him with his weight loss.
Chance turns to Ares, who hands him a small stack of books. Chance holds each one up the camera and says the name of each before passing them on to Toby Keller.
Chance Field: We have “Weight Loss For Dummies”, and we got..”Living With Bulimia”…”Binge and Purge”…and my fathers autobiography, “Even God is a Real Fan”.
Keller, reluctantly taking the books, looks confused.
Toby Keller: What’s your father’s autobiography have to do with weight loss?
Chance Field: Nothing. Us Fields don’t have bad genes. It’s just a really good read.
Chance smirks
Chance Field: You better get those delivered, like…NOW!
Fade away.
15 Minutes of Rawlings
15 minutes of Rawlings
Stephen Rawlings vs Eddie Money
Stephen Rawlings surprised everyone this week by actually using his 15 minutes of Rawlings spot to wrestle a real match against a real competitor. He faced off against Eddie Money and Stephen showed that he actually has some moves still. It was a competitive match, but about 10 minutes in, Stephen Rawlings got Eddie into a pin and held his tights for the win. Afterwards, Stephen celebrated and Trevor came out reversing the decision, Dqing Stephen for cheating, and giving the win to Eddie.
Gelatinous Cube
Pandora Ravencraft is standing backstage after her match, with an ice pack in her neck. The usually bubbly and high energy rookie looks subdued as she stands next to Suzy Donnelly.
Suzy Donnelly: I’m here with Pandora..
Pandora puts her hand on the mic.
Pandora Ravencraft: I’m totally sorry, I really am, but I got to interrupt you. This is getting old. I don’t know what I did to piss off Belle Laveneu, and look! She’s making me curse. I never curse!
Suzy Donnelly: Deep breath. It’ll be okay.
Pandora Ravencraft: Will it though? I’ve done nothing but try to make my way here. But this goblin seems to have an obsession with assuring I fail. She interrupted my debut match. She’s attacked me backstage. Last week, she cost me the Dominion Championship. This week, she couldn’t even pin me clean. She had to hold my gosh danged pants!!! You know what she reminds me of?
Suzy Donnelly: Not really.
Pandora Ravencraft: She’s a Gelatinous Cube. You know, stupid, doesn’t speak, or in her case, says nothing important when she does, Really does a lot of nothing but annoy the ever living crap outta people. But I’m a gamer, and you know what a gamer does? She meets her enemies on the field of battle. So next week, if she has the guts to do so, she can meet me in the ring for a little parlay.
Pandora Ravencraft: You hear that, BITCH! I’m calling your ass out to the ring next week.
Pandora’s demeanor suddenly changes to more carefree.
Pandora Ravencraft: Now that I have that off my chest, sorry for the language Suzy Q, but it was cathartic….
Bael vs Lyric
Lyric tried to get the jump on Bael, attacking him as soon as he got in the ring. This lead to an initial burst of offense that capped off with the Gaia Kick (spinning roundhouse kick). When she pinned Bael, he impressively kicked out before even a one count. After that, Bael dominated the match,
The ending saw Bael hitting Damnation (crucifix powerbomb), but refused to pin her. Instead, he set her up for another when the crowd popped and Drake ran to the ring with a chair and slammed it against the head of Bael as the referee called for the bell DQing Lyric. Bael no sold the chair shot and grabbed the throat of Drake. Drake kicked him with a low blow. By then, Lyric had gotten to her feet, and together her and Drake hit a double powerbomb on the turnbuckle as the crowd cheered them on.